TOTAL STI-MULATION

We’re in a remote control car. We’re toys. And we have the newest plaything in the Subaru playpen, the absolute top trump in the Japanese anagram library. Hyperventilate in the style of a panic attack victim before attempting this name in one go: the Subaru Impreza ‘Dubble-Woo-Arrr-Ex’ STI. Ned flew to the land with the most populated Subarus per square capita on the planet to get his first taste of this latest monster. So is it more than just essentially an Impreza with protein powder? Let’s find out.

 It’s fair to say that Subaru imprevalance in the motoring press is well into yawn territory. They’re everywhere. They might be as well be germs, with their silly gold wheels and tails. Why don’t we just get over them? Unfortunately, the problem is that we keep driving them. Our enthusiasm wells get refreshed all over again, and spread over into print, again. So gird yourself: the Impreza STI is a heavy deluge into the praise vessel.

  I believe that every car has its own personality. They feel, react, have the ability to judge. We grant them knowledge and responses, make them honorary things. Like any Imprezas, you know that it’s going to be a loud, pissed-off young man, railing against more genteel social constraints with showy and pointless displays of juvenile behavior. It probably has body piercings and smokes extra-strong fags, leaving 200 Sing Dollars in advance to the cops. This car watches nothing but MTV and plays thrash drum and bass on the stereo loud enough to collapse the delicate parts of your ears. It shouts and screams and forces itself upon you visually and mentally until you cry, ‘Okay, okay, we get the message’. And that’s when standing still. Subtlety, it seems, is for other people.

 Massive flares and more aggressive panels lend the five-door a muscle bound, purposeful look, a useful departure from the somewhat denatured appearance of the new WRX. STIs have never been truly beautiful things, but they have always clearly telegraphed their intent. Its controversial mug has been reworked somewhat, with the standard car’s shopping cart grille being broomed in favor of a mesh insert, along with a coca-cola bottle figure for its front and rear fenders that adds some much-needed aggression to the STI’s form, as does a rear wing. Out at the back, the STI’s new aero-effect bumper nicely exhibits a delicious set of dual exhausts.

Maxi-Mini

Adlin Yusman wrestles with the idea of a RM260,000 MINI. For such a maxi price, can the similarly maxi MINI live up to its value?

Before you read any further, let me point out one crucial fact about this car: it is not cheap. Oh, I can go on and on about the Clubman’s eyebrow-raising rump or how the eager-beaver attitude of this Maxi Mini would put a smile on your face every time you start it up, but I won’t fool you into thinking that you’re getting your money’s worth. At RM260,000, the MINI Cooper S Clubman is beyond the reach of most – bar the truly devoted – wage earning individuals.

And I’m certain that even BMW Malaysia knows this.

Magnificent

BMW’s new M5 is more than just a 5 series with a large engine. As Adlin Yusman surprsingly finds out, it’s actually a contender for one of the very best cars in the world.

Badge snobbery is the very pinnacle of consumerism. Achieve that and you could price your item at any given price and you’d still find your buyer. A pair of slacks from Dockers would probably set you back RM350. The same pair of slacks from D&G would cost three times as much. And yet, there are enough buyers to keep more than a fair share of trouser designers alive and well for years to come. Obviously other aspects of packaging come into play, but nothing costs more to the consumer than the label that ends up decorating the rump of your trouser.

In the motoring world, it’s much the same. A Ferrari F430 costs 1.5 million ringgit. A similarly powered 911 Turbo or Lamborghini Gallardo would hover around the same price point as well. Which is hilarious since Lamborghini is owned by Audi and a similarly engine RS6 would cost a whole lot less. A similar engined Maserati 4200 Gransport (owned by Ferrari – and uses the engine sourced from the F 430) costs an entire luxurious three bed room apartment lesser as well. They all produce near as makes no difference, 500bhp. They all look astoundingly pretty and they’re all pretty damned fast. But 1.5 million ringgit is a lot of money to spend. In a world where inflation is ripe and global recession is the devil’s right hand, 1.5 million could be put to much better use elsewhere. Unless of course, you have already stashed some elsewhere and 1.5 million is a pithy day’s worth of labour.

Sexy

With the Gallardo SE, Lamborghini has definitely brought sexy back. It’s blisteringly quick, sounds like thunder and looks absolutely gorgeous. With only 250 units produced worldwide, Adlin Yusman was determined not to make it 249.

Massive Attack

What you are seeing is the cream of Auto Bavaria’s Pre-Approved crop. All three are fine examples of what a well-cherished M car should be. But, as Adlin Yusman reckons, picking a favorite is going to be the hardest task of all.